monotone
by seeking-out-sunshine
Summary: Please stay.―eremika, written for eremika secret santa 2014.


for eponiin from tumblr. Merry Christmas Abby!

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><p><em>We are four years old and sand castles are awesome.<em>

_That is probably why Armin and I are building one in the sandbox. We barely used water on the sand though so our masterpiece is coming apart. But we're not very upset. We laugh in a way only children can and try to fix it. We, Armin and I, are having fun._

_But you aren't. You are sitting on the swing set watching us. Even my stupid four year old self can understand how sad you are. It's no surprise, really. Judy, the tallest kid in the park, isn't letting you play with the other girls. She says it's because your eyes really black and you're skin is a sort of pale-dark. Judy isn't letting the chocolate-skinned kids play with them too. But there are quite a few chocolate-skinned kids and they formed a group of their own. But there is nobody else who looks like you and you are all alone. _

_Armin and I think Judy is stupid and mean for not letting you play with them. We think you are a bit different but still nice. So we ask you if you would like to help us fix the sand castle and you say you would. You're dress gets all sandy and wet but you manage to fix the castle. Armin and I are impressed. We ask you if you'd like to be our friend and you say yes again._

_We play around for the rest of the day and by the time my mom is here to take Armin and me, we are best friends. We promise to be there tomorrow too and my mom smiles at you. You call out my name when I get to the car. I turn to look at you. You grin at me and wave, saying goodbye._

_Hey, Mikasa did you know? I fell in love with your smile from that moment exactly._

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_We're in the 4__th__ grade now. Our class rooms are on the second floor and our desks are bigger and the classroom is less colorful. We aren't all that stupid and immature like we used to be. That's why the school took us out on a field trip to the museum five towns over. Armin isn't here because he's sick. So it's just the two of us. We both miss him a lot. We're having fun too and feeling guilty for having fun without him. Strange, huh?_

_We sit in the back of the bus. You by the window and me sandwiched between you and a girl from our class. You just stare out the window and the girl next me keeps talking and talking to another girl on the other row. I wouldn't mind if it were only that, but she falls asleep after just 15 minutes and her head falls on my shoulder._

_I hate it when someone puts there head on my shoulder._

_I grumble and try and poke the girl awake. She grunts a little, but snuggles in closer. Then she starts drooling on my neck. Ugh, gross. I make a sound of disgust and keep trying to get her off me at the very least. Poke her side and push her towards the kid on her other side but she just keeps clutching at me. So this was what the Sammy meant when he said girls had cooties. I hear a giggle and turn my head towards the source._

_You are covering your mouth with your hand and snort-laughing at me. You kept the window open even though it's almost winter. As a result, your nose and cheeks are a bit red and your hair is a mess. I growl at you to stop laughing because this isn't funny, it's gross and you really should help me. But you just keep laughing. I scowl at you and tell you that you are the worst._

_I would be mad at you, I really would be. But you look kinda pretty and you're just you and no matter how hard I try I can't stay angry at you. So I just give in and start laughing with you. Not because it's funny cause it's not. More because I like laughing with you and because I like you in general._

_That's probably why I let you rest your head on my shoulder on the way home._

_(Thank god, you don't have cooties like Lucy or Luna or―oh whatever.)_

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_ We're in the 6__th__ grade and everything isn't alright anymore._

_You're parents are dead. They were killed in a robbery at your house right in front of you. _

_You are staying with us until the police can find any of your living relatives. You don't have many apparently. Your dad was an only child, and your mother is from a foster home. But the police try anyway. My parents say you can stay here as long as you need and even if you need to stay here forever. You just stare at them and nod. The police said that they arrived just in time to save you. The police are wrong. They didn't save you at all._

_Mikasa, you're broken. You just sleep, and eat, and speak only when you need to, and sit beside Armin and me when he comes over. You don't smile, you don't laugh, you don't even cry. Not even in your parents' funeral. You're not here. You're not here with us. You're not here with me. _

_And it makes me angry._

_I snap two days before Christmas. _

_My parents aren't home yet and we are watching your favorite TV show. The entire show is funny, but there is this scene that is even funnier. I laugh but you don't and before I know what I'm doing I yell at you. I don't remember what I say, what I scream. But it makes you cry._

_I stop and pull you into a hug and you're sobbing into my shirt. That is the first time, I'm ever glad to see you cry._

_You keep sobbing. You say things like where are you supposed to go. You say miss your mom and dad and you hate them for leaving you. You say you hate the three men who killed them. You are still crying and you tell me that you saw, that you saw them, saw how they did it. You saw your parents die and I just hold you. I'm tearing up too, but I don't let it show, I keep holding you. You cry for hours._

_But then you smile. You pull away and smile at me. The smile is small, almost non-existent and a little bit forced. Your red-rimmed eyes, your puffy face and the way you're still hiccupping coves it up. You look horrible, and I bet you feel horrible too. You're neck must be all scratchy and I just know your eyes are burning._

_But you are feeling again. _

_You are here again. _

_You are here, again, with me._

_I'm not supposed to, but I give you my Christmas present early. I take the red scarf mom and I knitted for you out of its box and wrap it around you. I tell you that this is your home and it will be for as long as you want it to. You cry again and it takes all I have to not start crying myself._

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_We're in the 7__th__ grade and your really distant relative shows up._

_He says his name is Levi, and he looks a bit like you. He has the same dark eyes and same dark-pale skin as you. He is short, really short compared to my parents but he gives a vibe of strength. There was something about his expression and how he held himself; I could probably tell he was from the army even if he didn't show up in uniform. Armin and I think he is cool. I really don't know what you think of him. You're face is unreadable. _

_We sit on top of the stair case, trying to make out what he is saying mom and dad in the living room. They look serious. Armin and I try to guess but we come up blank. We have absolutely no idea. Armin asks you what you think. Your voice is quite and you point out, he might take you away now._

_I don't think he's so cool anymore._

_Levi talks to my parents for quite a while. I am dying in worry. I don't want you to go. You're my best friend. I love having you here and I want you to be here forever and ever and ever. Armin reassures us that it's probably not the case. But his voice doesn't have his usual confidence and I worry even more._

_Then mom calls you to the living room. You stand from your sit in the step beneath us, and hesitate just for a second. That's enough for Armin and me to understand. We jump up from our seats as well and follow you without a word. We're going to be there for you no matter what._

_We stand by the doorway while you go up to your relative. I'm just as nervous as you are, Mikasa. You can't see but I'm shaking. Armin puts a hand on my shoulder and I clench my hands into fists as he introduces himself to you. He doesn't even try to sound friendly or kind. You quietly murmur an introduction and force a strained smile onto your face._

_He stares at you with blank eyes for minutes before he asks you if you are happy here._

_You say yes._

_He says he has decided to take custody of you. Mikasa, oh my god it hurts so much. I don't want you to go. I want you to stay here, with me. I'm trying so hard to not cry and Armin is doing the same. _

_But Levi doesn't take you away. Instead, he asks my parents if they would let you stay with us. Levi says it's because his in the military and our country is on the verge of war so he doesn't have a permanent home. He can't keep you with him. My parents say of course and you don't go. I'm so glad, Mikasa. I'm so glad._

_Levi calls me before he leaves. He looks stern and a bit scary but for some reason it doesn't make me anxious. He asks me to protect you. I promise him that I will. _

_You know what, Levi is actually really cool._

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_We're 14 and there is a Sadie Hawkins dance at school._

_Armin is going with a girl called Ellie. Nobody asked me and for some reason you didn't ask anybody either. But we're still going, just to make sure Armin has the perfect night. Oh and to beat up Brent if he tries to ruin it for our friend._

_Armin and I are wearing tucks and we both look ridiculous. Our committee is made of real morons if they thought it'd make it all magical and other girly shit to make us wear formal clothes. I'd really rather wear my jeans. But both mine and Armin's mom are gigging and cooing and dad is taking pictures. Ugh._

_You look really pretty though, Mikasa. You're wearing a pretty black dress and the scarf I gave you (you wear it all the time…that makes me a bit happy….). Your hair down like usual but it falls onto your shoulder without tangling into a neat kind of mess that it always does. I think you put some makeup on too. I mean you're eyes are standing out so much that I can hardly bring myself to look away._

_It's really unfair that Armin and I have to look so lame when you look so nice really._

_Armin's mom drives us to the dance. We separate once we reach school. Armin goes off to find his date, Ellie, I'm pretty sure. We head to the snack table. We have to give our friend a little time before we start tailing him. Or he'll find us out._

_We make our way to the snacks, grab some food and start eating. I notice that everyone keeps looking at you. It seems you are the prettiest girl in the room, not only to me but to everyone else too. It makes me a bit uncomfortable for some reason. I ignore the gnawing feeling in my stomach and stuff my face until you spot Armin dancing._

_We nod at each other and go off to dance too._

_Operation: make-sure-Armin-has-the-best-night-ever. Commence._

_(By the end of the night, your hair is messy again and the makeup faded a bit and you look like your usual self. You know what? I think I like your usual messy self much more than your uptight formal self.)_

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_My dad gets you and me into a boarding school after my mom dies._

_It's a nice school. Really big compound and really nice dorm rooms and I'm rooming with Armin who got in too. I always wanted to come here, to this particular school. I should be ecstatic but I'm not. For some reason everything doesn't seem as nice it should… everything seems kind of pointless actually…I don't know…I feel nothing. It all doesn't register._

_Anyways tomorrow is the first day of school, of high school. I realize I shouldn't be worrying about stuff like that. I should study some before I get to school. I should probably iron my uniform too. Packing my bag early would be nice too._

_Armin asks me to go down with him for dinner. I say I'm not hungry because I am not. I have stuff to do, I tell him. He looks at me weird for a little before heading off. Once he leaves, I just lie down again._

_Huh._

_I really should be ironing my uniform or find it at the very least. But I don't move I just lie here. I kind of want to sleep. I've been sleeping a lot through the summer, but I don't care. I want to sleep some more. I close my eyes and just as I'm about to drift off…._

_You push the door open with your hips. It slams into the wall and bounces back at you in an awkward sort of way. But you don't mind it. You just walk in holding a tray._

_I sit up and mumble a hello. I probably smile at you too. But you ignore it all. You just set the tray on my bedside table and pull up the chair in front my bed. I open my mouth to say something but you shove a piece of bread into my mouth._

_That pisses me off._

_I half-chew and swallow the piece you shoved in so I can yell at you. but you speak before me. Your voice is even quieter than usual but firm. You point out that I haven't been eating and I don't talk as much and how I'm always sleeping. You seem so calm but you tell me about how frustrated you are with me and how worried you are. I yell that I'm not yours to worry about. I would scream more about stupid things I don't even know but…_

_You say I'm not there._

_You start saying things about how I promised I would always be there. And how much you worried. And how much Armin worried and…. How I haven't been there since mom passed and…you're crying... _

_You're crying, Mikasa. You're holding my hand and crying. You, Mikasa Ackerman, the strongest person I know, are crying._

_You are crying because you're worried about me. You're crying because my mom isn't here anymore. You're crying because my dad is falling apart. You're crying because I'm making Armin feel helpless and pathetic. You're crying because I'm not with you. You're crying because you lost someone precious to you too and… and …and…_

_And I'm crying too._

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_Freshmen year sucks._

_The seniors are stupid and ridiculous. The juniors try to be all "aww you poor things". The sophomores are completely useless. Even the fresher crowd is full of jerks and horse faces like Jean._

_It sucks even more because I don't get to see you as much as I used to._

_I know that we're both teenagers and the teachers doesn't trust us. With our raging hormones who knows what scandalous things we might do and yadi yadi yada…I understand that we're not living together anymore and of course we won't see each other as much. It's not as if we don't see each other at all. I mean, I see you at breakfast and in the two classes we have together and dinner and the weekends….but I still miss you like hell._

_Armin says I'm going through a Mikasa-withdrawal. I tell him to shut the hell up. But what the fuck I don't even try to deny it cause I know it's true._

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_Sophomore year and the three of us are back to doing everything together._

_It's routine just like before. I wake up just half an hour after my alarm. Shower, change grab my things. Go down with Armin for breakfast. Meet up with you. We go off too class together. Separate. You and I meet up for launch (Armin's got 4__th__ period launch). Separate. Armin and I meet up for PE. Meet up after school. Hang out. Then I'm off to football practice, you for your tracking meets and Armin to his book club. We meet up again for dinner._

_I love everything the way it is. But then horse face has to interfere._

_Everybody knows how he's been crushing on you since the first day off school. Yeah, even someone as dense as me. But he's not the only one though. Practically the entire school crushes on you. I've heard about how you made people question their sexuality too. They just keep going on and on about "Mikasa this, Mikasa that"._

_That really pisses me off._

_I mean, c'mon they don't even know you!_

_How many of them know about your obsession with painting? How many know about your hydrophobia? How many of them know Levi? Do they know the story behind the scar on your cheek? Do they even know your favorite book? favorite songs? color? Birthday?_

_No, they don't but I do. And…and they just piss me off!_

_I know I shouldn't take it out on you…but you know how much of an idiot I am….but I do._

_And you agree on a date with Jean._

_Armin drags me into your room to help you prepare. That bastard, even though he knows I wasn't talking to you…I still wonder how could he just...and how could I just let him…? Ugh I'm just a ball of frustration and…. jealousy…. Even though I don't realize it at the time…yes, Mikasa, I am jealous. Of what? I really didn't know._

_You are just about done with getting ready when we arrive._

_Holy hell, Mikasa you are gorgeous. You're hair is the same choppy short it has been since the begin of the year. You're just wearing this black shirt, a pair of jeans with the scarf. I think you did something to your eyes too? Some make-up I don't know the name of? But oh hell, you look bloody gorgeous._

_The irritation goes away and I have this sinking feeling in my stomach._

_But I don't budge. I just sit on your bed, cross my arms over my chest and try to keep my eyes off you. (I fail, quite miserably, actually.) Armin keeps telling you how awesome you look and how Jean is really luck, al while shooting me this look. That bastard…_

_Your voice snaps me out my thought and before I know what I'm doing I meet your eyes. (Shit, I wasn't supposed to; I wasn't supposed to do that! I can never say mad at you after I've looked you in the eye! Shit! Shit!) You say you'll be leaving now and I unwillingly mutter something about coming back soon, having pepper spray and having a good time._

_The sinking feeling in my stomach only grows._

_(Jean is moping around for the entity of the next day. I know even before you tell us it didn't go as nice as horse-face hoped. I try to hold back a grin. Honest to god, I do. But I fail at that too. Quite miserably, Armin might add.)_

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_It's Christmas Eve._

_I don't like going home for Christmas break. The house is too empty. Surely, Levi is coming over tomorrow but still…but right now it's just you and me. I am content with just that during summer. But it's Christmas and that's the time people spend with family. Not that you aren't family but…. dad isn't here._

_Dad is never home during Christmas. Actually, dad is never home. He still hasn't stopped grieving. Even after two years he's still in mourning. I guess I'm no different._

_Even after two years, being in our house hurts so much. Every corner, every floorboard, every wall, everything everywhere just reminds me of her. Dammit, Mikasa…. its not supposed hurt so much even after two years. I'm supposed to be able to talk about her and smile now. At the very least I'm supposed to be able to think about her now. But I can't. It's too painful._

_I wonder do you feel that way about your parents too._

_I turn my head and look at you. We're sitting on the floor, back against the couch, blankets around our shoulders and warm chocolate in our hands. I'm in the lame sweater Armin sent us from his uncle's and a pair of dad's old sweats. You are wearing Armin's sweater too and some shorts. We are sitting really close. Our shoulders are pressed together and legs tangled. _

_We're sticking, clinging to each other for warmth. Not the kind the fireplace in front of us is providing, but for the kind only you can give me and I can give you._

_Call it odd, weird, freaky, whatever but I realize something. Something I've always known. It's not even a realization even, more like an acknowledgement, a confession to myself._

I'm in love with you, Mikasa, I'm in love with you.

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_Nothing really changes after that. We go back to school, go to Levi's for the summer, start junior year, fall back into our routine, and keep working ourselves through the year. It's all the same. Except for the fact, now I can explain why I feel so possessive of you. I like everything just the way it is. Nothing needs to change._

_More like, I'm not brave enough to change things._

_It'd be nice to hold your hand. To be allowed to brush your hair away from your eyes, to be expected to walk you to every class and be at your every track meet. It'd be nice to be able to pick you up and spin you round and round and round after we win a game. It'd be nice to have you be a little jealous of the girl who flirts with me so desperately. To have you rest your head on my shoulder. To just sit with you and talk when Armin is out tutoring. It'd be nice to be able to take you to junior prom. To tell you are the prettiest girl in the room. It'd be nice to kiss you._

_It'd be perfect to love you and have you love me back exactly the same way._

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_We're eighteen years old, seniors, graduation is right around the corner and everything is changing._

_Some friends are falling apart and being replaced with new ones. Others are being closer. The people who hated each other are making up. The popular kids aren't being as mean as usual. the normal people are a weird mix of cheery and sad. People started packing up their lockers and so many break ups and hook ups it's annoying._

_But the same is happening in our friend group._

_Historia dropped her goddess-y façade and started acting a lot colder. Ymir, Historia's girlfriend apologized to all the kids she's been bullying. Connie sacrificed the dream college to go to college with Sasha. Jean, doesturn out to be gay like I predicted so many times before. (Fine, he's Bi, I just like to tease him about Marco.) Even Armin started dating Annie, the girl he tutored._

_I talk to Armin and he says it's because we're all leaving soon. For college, for jobs, or in my case for the military. I think about the chances of not being able to come back. I think that maybe it's time for me to tell you how I feel too. _

_So I decide to tell you. I ask you to meet me in the roof. I say I have something to tell you. You say you have something to tell me too. So we head there, I want to make it as romantic as possible. Even though I know what your answer will be. I want to give you the best confession you'll get in your life._

_But you ruin it. You ruin everything._

_You say you're joining the army too._

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_Mikasa, _

_We are both leaving for trost soon. I'm still mad at you for coming after me. Dammit, Mikasa what the hell are you thinking? Why would you do that? You'd join the military for me? Don't you care about yourself at all?! There is still time, Mikasa. Please back off. Please, I beg you._

_But… you won't, will you?_

_So I write you a note. I write you _**this**_ note. I think to write you how much I love you but it's not enough. So I write about every moment that I want you to know about in this note. It's still not enough. It's never going to be enough. But this is the best I can do._

_I love you._

_I love you so much, Mikasa, so much that it almost hurts._

_If my feelings mean anything to you, then please don't come after me. Please, go to college with Armin. Take care of him for me. Take care of everything here for me. when I come home to Shiganshina, greet me in the airport with open arms._

_Please, Mikasa, Please._

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After seeing sights of blood and horror beyond 18 year-old Eren could ever imagine 23 year-old Eren comes home.

He grabs his duffle bag from near his feet and makes his way out of the plane. They are being greeted with badges when they get off. The process is annoying, very annoying. Eren pretends that he really just wants to go home, get out of his uniform and run a nice bath for himself like the rest of the soldiers. He's learned to lie to himself pretty well during the last few years. But even that experience doesn't hide the utter dread he feels deep in his bones.

He gets out of the plane and takes his place to the little stage Erwin Smith And Levi Ackerman are gonna pin some badges on them and they can leave. Eren knows Armin is waiting out there with an anxiety that is no less than his own. He wonders if _she_ is there too…

She sent closer to the borders and away from him over a year ago. He hadn't seem or heard of her since. He preferred it that way too. There was less chance of her getting killed around there. If she were not reposted once again, the she should be home before him. He fought in the frontline he was one the lasts to go back. if she isn't home already then, she's probably… Eren cuts himself off.

"Jaeger, Eren."

Eren tries his best to keep from shaking as he approaches the stage and stands in front Smith. He glues his eyes to Levi, trying ask him "Is she alive?" with his eyes. Levi gets the question, apparently, because he nods and turns his head towards the glass beyond where the friends and family are waiting.

Except, Eren doesn't understand.

He can't process anything over the dread that makes his blood run cold. He deciphers Levi's gesture in a thousand different ways, but he can't decide what it means. He is trapped in a daze of pure anguish and everything other than that seems to have disappeared. He numbly salutes his commander and walks toward the crowd.

"Eren!"

Before he's realized what is going on he's been attacked by an armful of a girl―Is that guy making his way towards him, Armin? Than is the this girl―no, it couldn't be―

"Mikasa?" she lets out a sob as if in reply. "Mikasa….you're okay…"

"Eren….oh god, Eren, It really is you…" she sobs into his shirt. "It took you so long to come around and I thought…I thought…that you were… I thought you were dead….. Oh my god…."

The girl―Mikasa lifts her face to look up at him. And Eren can't help it. He can't. He leans down and presses his lips against hers, urgently, desperately. And Mikasa kisses him back with just as fervor. And Eren is home, finally, finally, finally, home.

"I love you. I love you so much."

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><p>i'm not sdatisfied with the way it turned out but gah i hate deadlines T^T<p> 


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